Anti mom moment

There’s a 50 something year old Canadian white woman that I follow on tiktok and she was talking about how much she loved having her daughter sleep in her bed when she was a kid and how those are the fondest memories she has.

My mum attributes her biggest parenting success to not letting me sleep in her bed ever no matter how much I begged for it as a child, and especially from what I know about children, I find it to be her biggest failure. I don’t say it to her face, I have some tact after all, but not enough tact to not blog about it I guess. Everything my mum loved about me as a kid, how independent I was, how she never had to worry about me, how I always made myself breakfast is generally what has failed me as an adult. No emotional regulation, don’t want to be independent, burnt out from having to look after myself too young and a little brother too. Anyway through all her strengths as a mother, she did fail incredibly hard on the one thing and I seem to carry a bit of resentment in my heart. Should’ve just let me sleep in your goddamn bed huh hahaha.

There are two kinds of people in the world — People who go to other people to vent and people who go to other people to find a solution. And at any given time the person reciprocating needs to be able to read the fucking room. I’m a venter, always have been and always will be. Every time I have called anyone other than my best friend Lorna about an issue, I have been disappointed.

I know not to call my Mum to vent because she will try to give me a million solutions and it’s like do you think I am so stupid that I haven’t thought of these solutions? I just want to have a cry to someone that’s it. I hate to bring astrology into things because I don’t even believe in it, but there’s a pattern where the personality aspects remain true to the signs so if you kow, you know. My mum is a Capricorn and i’m a Cancer, and we will just leave it at that.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how i’m only going to be a one time Mum. After Daisy I am done. After Daisy won’t be anytime soon though because I am forcing my dog to live to atleast 18 years, so she has awhile to go. I don’t need to justify how much I love my dog, how obsessed with her I am but it is the guilt in me so I need to type that disclaimer out before I say this, I won’t miss the responsibility. I won’t miss waking up at weird hours of the night, and I just won’t miss being worried about her health. I know the last part is entirely my own brain’s anxiety but you know, without her it’s just one thing I wouldn’t have to think about. And as I type this I feel like I will even change my mind soon, as I am even on the precipice of it right now, an easy life just doesn’t build resilience — which is a value I hold deeply.