Death and other things
People always talk about autistic people never being able to read the room I find that it’s other people who can’t. Since my grandma’s incident in the hospital which I don’t want to talk about; people have been really annoying. People are really annoying about serious circumstances I find. Maybe it’s just because I wouldn’t do it but if I see a post about someone upset and grieving I would never message the person WHAT HAPPENED? I would simply say I hope you are okay and that’s that. In the worst moments of my life I do not want to spend energy explaining to you, a person I am not close to what happened? Have some couth. Then there’s emoji reacts, like genuinely I would rather people just ignore my sad posts about my grandma than do some emoji react. To sound absolutely pretentious have we fucking devolved as a human race that there’s an inability to type out a couple words? Especially during something so serious. Well the answer is yes because AI is so popular now. That’s another thing I ignore and I even ignore people who use it, I never interact with people I don’t respect.
Getting older means everyone you know is getting older and every couple of months when my parents visit Auckland, I see their hair has more gray hair and the inevitable is always in the forefront of my mind.
One thing I found the greatest solace when I was saying goodbye to my grandma was the fact that I always told her I loved her and I called her every single day. I am my grandma’s girl through and through.
I think my best friend is the strongest person in the world in the way she moves forward and doesn’t act like a victim to life because genuinely she’s dealt with the presence of death in her life from so young and she’s just so strong.
I love my chair yoga classes and there’s a 94 year old and she is incredibly fit for someone her age but I just get this profound sadness deep inside me. She told me on the inside she doesn’t feel a day over 25. I think so much about how the body deteriorates and how it is inevitable. I wonder if old people just get sad knowing it’s time. I know my grandma is very much at peace but she believes in religion and Allah and she’s going to heaven so she’s at peace with death. I on the other hand just love life so much I adore it I love it I want to savor every moment, I live knowing I can die tomorrow but it’s different me at 30 and feeling this way VS how I would be older. It must feel so surreal. I even get this feeling in the pit of my stomach and an almost nostalgic ache in my heart when I see pictures and videos of people who have died. Even strangers. It is inevitable after all.
I want to hold time with my hands but it keeps slipping away.
